How to Give a Cat a Pill (hysterical)

How to Give a Cat a Pill

This How to give a cat a pill post is from my terrific son-in-law, Gary Koen.

How to Give a cat a pill

1. How to give a cat a pill starts with pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position your right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks, while holding the pill in your right hand. Now, as the cat opens its mouth, pop the pill into its mouth. Allow the cat to close its mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve the pill from floor and the cat from behind sofa. Cradle the cat in your left arm and repeat the process.
3. Accordingly, you can now retrieve the cat from the bedroom and throw the soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from the foil wrap, cradle the cat in your left arm, holding its rear paws tightly with your left hand. Force its jaws open and push the pill to the back of its mouth with your right forefinger. Hold its mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. And retrieve the pill from the goldfish bowl and the cat from the top of the wardrobe. And call your spouse in from the garden.

continues

I could not take more than 5 of these How to Give a Cat a Pill sections at a time.

1. To continue, how to give a cat a pill, kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding its front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get your spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop the pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
2. Now retrieve the cat from the curtain rail. Get a new pill from the foil wrap. Note: buy new ruler and repair the curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for later gluing.
3. Next, wrap the cat in large towel and get your spouse to lie on it, with the cat’s head just visible from below an armpit. Put the pill in the end of drinking straw, force the cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down the drinking straw.
4. But, carefully check the label to make sure the How to Give a Cat a Pill pill is not harmful to humans. And drink one beer to take taste away. Apply a Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm. And remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
5. Next, retrieve cat from the neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open a new beer. Place cat in the cupboard, and close door on its neck, leaving head showing. Force its mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick the pill down throat with elastic band.

How to Give a Cat a Pill continues

1. To continue, How to give a cat a pill, fetch a screwdriver from the garage and put the cupboard door back on its hinges. Drink beer. And fetch a bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. And toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from the bedroom.
2. Call the fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to the neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take the last pill from foil wrap.
3. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
4. To continue, How to give a cat a pill, Consume the remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
5. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
3. Say, “Good Dog!”